Stuck in a Not Mary Sue!
by Lady Katharine Heartspark
Summary: This is what happens when you study for finals until your brain explodes. This oozed from the puddle that was my brain. It scares me. In any case, I get trapped in my own story! It's not a Mary Sue... not a fanfiction... we're not sure what it is...
1. The Mystery Begins!

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This is Kate. :)

This is Kate on drugs. 8]

This is Kate at two in the morning, after she came up with the idea for this story. 8$

That's right. Absolutely crazy.

Hence the following.

Enjoy. It was _certainly_ fun to write.

Disclaimer goes to Moby Dick, the Little Mermaid, Micheal Resnick, Louise Rennison, and, of course, Tamora Pierce. And caffeine. The bringer of all that is hyped up in this world.

CHAPTER ONE

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Call me Ishmael.

CHAPTER TWO

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Lady Knight Keladry of Mindelan, one of the two lady knights in the Realm of Tortall and the first known woman to train as a knight in over four centuries (the other lady knight being Sir Alanna of Olau and Pirate's Swoop, who had cross-dressed for eight years to train as a knight, but we're not talking about her, we're talking about Keladry, called Kel by her friends, and what she did: she) nickered to her strawberry roan gelding, Peachblossom, making him increase his speed to a trot as she rode forwards, closer to her best friend, Sir Nealan of Queenscove; glancing sideways, she saw a bored expression on his face and began to wonder why: was it the fact that they weren't, as yet, going anywhere, or that they had eaten nothing but elderberries and watercress for the last sixteen days, or had the sexual tension between them finally reached it's peak – maybe he would finally kiss her, she thought hopefully, but just then she realized that the reason Neal was so bored was because the first

"Second,"

second sentence of the story they were in was one hundred and eighty eight words long (from "Lady" to "was") and counting.

"Bullseye!" shouted Kel. "That's the reason!"

"Snarfblatt gargleplok," muttered Neal blearily, waking up at Kel's shout. He had fallen asleep somewhere close to elderberries and had therefore completely missed out on the sexual tension explanation.

"What sexual tension?" Neal asked, confused.

**__**

OOPS.

Kel looked around, behind some trees that had appeared. "You know, that first

**__**

SECOND

second sentence was beyond the Valley of the Extremely Bad and onto the Plains of the Horrible. My Literature priest would have bitten off your wrist and gnawed happily on the bones if he were here."

"Sounds like someone I know!" said Cleon, blissfully unaware of everything.

Kel and Neal stared. "What are you doing here?" Neal finally asked.

"I'm a literary device. I came to make a point concerning someone you don't know!" Cleon cried ecstatically, and returned to Chapter Seventeen where he belonged.

Neal blinked. "You know, this is just a tad bit confusing," he admitted to Kel. "I admit to you, I was lost at the end of the first

"Second

" **_YES, SECOND_**

second, no, at the end of the _first_ sentence. I mean, who the hell is Ishmael?" he finished.

**__**

IT'S THE BEGINNING OF A WONDERFUL BOOK.

"Well, the name 'Ishmael' may scare some little children," Neal retorted.

"I know it scared me!" said Cleon. He looked stricken. "Oh, right. Sorry," he muttered, and scrambled back to Chapter Seventeen.

"It also scares Cleon. Which means it _would _scare little children, because Cleon has the brain of a little child. Therefore, you should change the name," Neal concluded, looking pleased with his logic.

**__**

NO LITTLE CHILDREN SHOULD BE READING THIS STORY. BUT SINCE YOU'RE HOT, I'LL CHANGE IT FOR YOU.

Neal smiled smugly and polished his fingernails on his tunic. "See?" he said pointedly, smirking at Kel. "I told you it was good for something."

Kel sighed, rolled her eyes, and was almost killed by a giant sign reading 

CHAPTER ONE

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"Gah!"

Call me

"How about Bob?"

Call me Bob.

"Bob?! That name sucks. _To be continued_

[It is the wish of the administration to explain that no one should be offended and/or become seriously depressed and try to move to Guam because his/her name is Bob. Or for that matter, any of the following names that are disregarded as "sucky."]

__

Continuing He should be named Frederick."

Call me Frederick.

"_Frederick?!_ That's even worse! It should be Coel."

**__**

WHO IS WRITING THIS STORY?

**__**

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

Call me Cornelius.

Kel and Neal burst into hysterical laughter. "Cornelius?" Kel gasped, beside herself. "_Cornelius?_"

A giant foot with strangely short and stubby

"Ooh, alliteration!"

**__**

YOU SHUSH.

toes appeared in front of the two guffawing knights. It stamped once with anger.

"EEEE!" shrieked Kel, and promptly fell over.

"Hey, big foot. Cool," said Neal, pointing.

**__**

YOU TWO ARE BECOMING INCREASINGLY DIFFICULT. NOW. THIS IS A BORING STORY. YOU ARE IN THE STORY. THEREFORE, YOU MUST DO SOMETHING TO MAKE THIS AN UN-BORING STORY.

"No way! You can't make me!" shouted Kel.

"Me either!" added Neal. "Besides, if you're so bored, you come down here and do something."

The foot disappeared. A small shout began high up in the clouds.

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH" thud "Ow."

The small being that had fallen from the sky jumped from the furrow it had created in the ground and ran to Neal. "_What have you done?_" she cried (for it was apparently a she) as she shook him.

"W-w-w-h-h-o-a-a-r-r-e-y-y-o-o-u-u?" clattered Neal.

The young woman suddenly seemed to get ahold of herself. She stepped back from Neal and brushed her hands on her skirt. "I," she said, "am the Author. You may call me–"

"We know, we know," said Kel. "Call you Cornelius."

The Author planted her hands on her hips. "Do I look like a Cornelius?" she asked them.

They looked at her. She was really short and somewhere in between corpulent and emaciated. Longish brown hair and brown eyes completed her absolutely unspectacular face. She was, however, dressed in a gorgeous green dress. 

"No," Kel finally admitted. "You look like a Cornelia."

"Well, I'm not," said the girl crossly. She then immediately jumped out of the way, knowing what was coming next. The sign hit in between her and Kel.

CHAPTER ONE

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"Call me Lydia."

"Wait a minute" Kel said suspiciously. "_Call you_ Lydia? Why call you? Isn't your name Lydia?"

"Eryes?" answered Lydia.

"No it's not. I can tell. You're lying. So what's your name?" Kel told her, hands crossed in front of her chest.

"Er I don't want to."

"You have to!"

"No, I don't.

"Yes, you do!"

"Why?"

"Because I asked."

"So?"

"It would be rude not to answer."

"Oh. Right. It's er Kate."

"Why didn't you want to tell us that? What's wrong with Kate?"

"It means It means It means I'm writing a Mary Sue!"

And with that, Lydia/Kate sat down and began to bawl.

"Uh Lydia/Kate," Neal ventured. "I _really_ don't think this is a Mary Sue. I _really_ don't think it's anything that's ever been done before."

Kate looked up. Her face was all red and blotchy and tearstained. "What bakes you say dat?" she asked with a stuffed up nose.

"Well, first of all, if it was a Mary Sue, you would have been gorgeous. And you're obviously not," he said, ticking off the reasons on his fingers.

"Ex-_cuse_ me?"

"And if it was a Mary Sue, you'd have delicately sobbed, not bawled like that."

"Uh-huh."

"And I'd fall in love with you at first sight."

"You mean you haven't?"

"Sadly, no."

"Any other reasons?"

"Well, I think that if this was a true Mary Sue, you'd be able to control us."

Kate thought about this for a while, then hopped to her feet. "Yay!" she cried. "It's not a Mary Sue!" She started doing a disturbing dance.

"So, if it's not a Mary Sue, do you think you can go now, and let us get back to the story?" asked Kel, somewhat frightened by Kate's display.

"Sure!" Kate said, beaming. "I'm going right now."

She stuck her arms straight up and closed her eyes.

Nothing happened.

"Er" ventured Kel. "What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to get out of the story, silly!" Kate said, rolling her eyes.

"How?"

"By flying away!"

"It doesn't seem to be working," Neal put in.

Kate gasped. "You're right! Oh, no! The first conflict! And that means watch out!" She dove to the side to avoid the

CHAPTER TWO

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sign that landed on top of the old one.

"Help!" cried Kate, running to the sides of the screen. "Help! I'm stuck in this story and I can't get out!"

"Hey! This is good!" cried Kel. "We have an interesting story now!"

"Yes, but _I'm not supposed to be in it!_" Kate shouted. "I'm supposed to be the one in big black italics! I'm not supposed to be in quotations!"

"Oh," said Kel. "In any case, it's a story now! We may as well finish it."

"Oh, fine," said Kate. "Go wake Neal up, and we'll go on a quest to get me out of my story!"

Kel roused Neal, who had fallen asleep way back at Kate's attempt to fly, and they set off towards Chapter Three.

---------------

****

Well, that was interesting.

Please leave a review; if I get enough I might possibly be willing to continue! It's _definitely_ a way to get past writer's block.

Farewell, knaves! *gnaws on hunk of cheese*


	2. Ooh New Characters

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Hello, everyone!

Guess what?

Kate has spent too much time studying for her history final today!

And guess what that means?

You get another chapter!

Yayishness!

CHAPTER TWO AND ONE HALF

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"Oh, no!" Kate cried. "What if someone forgot what was happening! We should let them know what's going on."

Kel, Neal and Kate were on their way to Chapter Three. By some strange twist of fanfiction and caffeine (and of course, boredom), Kate had somehow been sucked into her own story!

"_However,_" Kate said pointedly. "That does _not_ under any circumstances make this story a Mary Sue."

Kate was stuck in her Not-Mary-Sue!

"Wait a minute," Neal said suddenly. "Kate, if you're The Author, and you're down here, who's writing this?"

"Who cares? Don't worry about it," she answered. Quickly, she looked at you. "I suggest you not worry about it either, m'dear. It will only make your head explode."

Kel mounted Peachblossom just as Neal mounted his horse.

"She has a name, you know!" Neal yelled.

**__**

WELL, WHAT IS IT THEN?

"It's er I forget," he finished sheepishly. 

Kel mounted Peachblossom just as Neal mounted Aiphorgit.

"Wait, no, that's not oh, well, whatever," said Neal. He muttered to Kate, "Isn't that supposed to be _you_ in the bold italics?"

"I _told _you, just don't think about it. Pretend there are two of me. Which, of course, there aren't" she finished, looking up at the two giant typing hands. "Right, then. Now I've confused myself." She blinked a couple of times.

"Let's get going," said Kel bluntly.

"I don't have a horse!" said Kate piteously.

A beautiful golden horse appeared next to her. It was wearing a large sign that said "Kate's horse."

"Go away!" Kate hissed at it. The horse disappeared.

"Why did you do that?" Kel asked, confused.

"Momentary insanity. But I _still_ don't have a horse," Kate answered.

"Here, you can ride double with me," Neal offered.

Kate looked smug. She mounted Aiphorgit awkwardly and sat behind Neal, pressed up against his back. She looked even more smug than she had one sentence before.

"Let's go," announced Kel, and they rode at a quick canter towards what they hoped was Chapter Three.

CHAPTER THREE

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"Magnificent! We're going in the right direction!" cried Kate.

"But where are we supposed to be going? I know we're going forwards, but shouldn't we have some destination in mind?" Neal replied.

They were heading for the Palace.

"There we go."

"But we still don't know where we are"

They were in the middle of a forest.

"That's _not_ helpful."

They were in the middle of a big, green forest.

Kel sighed. "It looks like The Author is being stubborn. We'll just have to stop and ask for directions."

After several minutes of riding in the big, green forest, Kate spotted an inn.

"Look!" she yelled, pointing her finger and deafening Neal. "An inn!" Something occurred to her, and she shouted again. "It's an inn on an ennnnnn dive!"

And sure enough, there was a giant vegetable holding up the inn.

As the group got closer, the sign in front of the inn got clearer. "The Wandering Ram," Kel read out loud. She paused. "But I've been there before! That's in Carthak!"

**__**

YES, WELL, TOO BAD. IT'S IN TORTALL NOW.

"Aha!" Neal cried. "So we're in a big, green forest in Tortall, are we?"

**__**

WELL, YEAH. BUT DIDN'T YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT?

"I don't think we knew that," stated Kel carefully.

There was a pause as The Author read back through her pages.

**__**

YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU DIDN'T KNOW. BUT NOW YOU DO. **_SO QUIT QUIBBLING AND GO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS!_**

Kel and Neal looked at each other, shrugged, and rode towards the inn. Kate still sat behind Neal, but she was mumbling things to herself, and they ignored her.

"Australopithicus afarensis, homo erectus, homo habilus," she muttered. "Homo sapiens neaderthalus, homo sapiens sapiens. Lucy, something-I-don't-remember, toolman, Neaderthal, Cro-Magnon." She suddenly stopped and began banging herself on the head. "Gah! Get out! Get out! This is supposed to be a safe place! Fanfiction is my safe haven! Get out, history, get out!"

Meanwhile, the horses reached the inn. Everyone paused what they were doing to stare at the sign that read

CHAPTER FOUR

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before dismounting and entering the inn on an ennnnnnn dive.

"Nyaaaaa, whaddya want?" grunted a extremely dirty man behind the counter.

Kel was taken aback. "But I thought Ahim was"

"You thought Ahim was wot? Ahim's 'ere, only 'e's busy. Witchis why I'm 'ere," growled the Dirty Man.

"But I was looking forward to seeing Ahim!" Kel whined.

"Yeah, well, da Author can't 'emember wot he looks like. So tough luck," said the Dirty Man.

"Yes, well, thank you, Mr. Dirty Man," said Neal, bowing. "Might you be able to point us in the direction of the Palace?"

"Go north for three and one eighth more miles, then turn fifty degrees counterclockwise and continue on for six and a quarter miles. You can't miss it," said Mr. Dirty Man.

"Er thank you," said Kate, obviously confused. They left in somewhat of a hurry.

Once back on their horses, the small group went north for three and one eighth more miles, then turned fifty degrees counterclockwise and continued on for six and a quarter miles. They couldn't miss it.

The high turrets of the Tortallan Palace soared over the skyline like a seagull that is about to drop its load on your head. And that was what the Tortallan Palace signified – the readiness of the Tortallan Army to drop onto the enemy's head, and blind them and gross them out, and then leave them defeated in the plains, just like a seagull leaves someone dejected in the sand.

"Okay, enough of the metaphor, already!" Neal shouted.

"It was a demented metaphor to begin with," Kel added. "I don't know why you expanded it like that."

**__**

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I AM SICK OF JUST THE TWO

"Three, actually," muttered Kate.

**__**

THREE OF YOU. I AM ADDING NEW CHARACTERS.

Kel, Kate and Neal took one step forward and passed the next sign.

CHAPTER FIVE

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Suddenly, two young men rode up on two white horses. 

"Actually, my horse is brown," said one of them.

**__**

OH, SHUT UP.

"Righto, sorry."

They were both extremely handsome, smart, and single.

"Oh, _joy_!" shouted Kate, swooning. "Oh, rapture! I am in heaven!" She swooned some more, but no one caught her and she fell on the nasty muddy ground.

"Oh, gross," Kel muttered, wrinkling her nose. She turned her attention to the young men. "Dom! Reader's-Own-Choice-Of-Random-Sexy-Man-In-Tortall!"

"Kel! Meathead! Some other girl! How wonderful to see you! Although, I must say it's a bit sudden. Let me introduce my new yet very close friend, Rocor Smit." Rocor tipped his hat and winked in their general direction, and Kate, who had revived, swooned again and landed in the same mud puddle.

There was a short, surprised pause, and then Dom started talking again. "Well, in any case, I hear you have a problem. The Author is stuck in her story?"

"How did you know?" Kate asked him, enraptured.

"Well, I've been reading your story. I must say, it's a bit hard to follow."

"Humph," snorted Kate. She crossed her arms and looked put out.

"In any case, the king told me to tell you to tell The Author–"

"I _have _a name, you know," Kate said, getting irritated.

"And it is?"

"Lady Katharine Heartspark!" she cried, bending over into an elaborate bow.

"I thought you said your name was Kate," said Kel hesitantly. "And even if it isn't Kate, shouldn't it be Lydia?"

"My name is whatever I want it to be," said Gorgeous Goddess And Overall Beautiful Smart And Funny Lady.

"So I see," said Dom. Rocor Smit still hadn't said anything. He just stood in the margins with his arms crossed, looking like an extremely strong, handsome bodyguard. "_Anyway,_" Dom continued pointedly. "The king said that he might have just the person to do the job at the Palace. So if you'll follow me"

He turned his horse and headed for the Palace. Rocor followed suit, and quickly Kel and Neal mounted their respective horses.

"Wait!" Kate wailed. "I don't have a horse again!" She looked suggestively at Neal.

"Not covered in mud, you're not," he said firmly.

"It's good for your complexion," Kate muttered. The golden horse with a sign reading "Kate's horse" re-appeared, and she mounted it sullenly. Finally ready, the group headed off for the Palace, and Chapter Six.

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****

That took longer than expected. Finals are actually over. Joy and rapture!

Gah. I hate coming down from sugar highs. It's so draining!

I just saw The Two Towers for the third time, and Legolas just gets hotter every time. And Gimli gets funnier. And Aragon gets more badass. And Frodo and Sam get more boring.

Don't forget – review! Reviews make my day. They make me feel warm and fuzzy.

Okay. I'm going away now.


End file.
